– posted by thehim
What’s up Seattle wingnut-roasting fans. You may have noticed that the quality of this blog has improved significantly over the past few weeks. It’s because I’ve been too busy working on this to post. I think it’s time for another turd in the punchbowl.
And Carl, I’m looking forward to getting an MP3 of The Dehumanizer’s “kill lou guzzo” from that dude. Does he have it on vinyl?
Of course, we don’t really want to kill Lou Guzzo. We’d have a much harder time finding material:
Presley and rock destroyed valuable era of folk music
I’m doing this one blind. I haven’t even read this post yet and I already know it’s going to be ridiculous enough for EffU. In fact, I’ll be surprised if this post isn’t so ridiculous that it could double as an opinion column for The Onion. Here we go:
I apologize to all those rock-n-rollers out there for missing Elvis Presley’s birthday three weeks ago, on January 8.
He was still hung over from celebrating Yoyo Ma’s birthday on the 7th.
He would have been 74 years old if he hadn’t ended his life by indulging in heavy drug doses.
I love how when you take the Graceland tour, they refer to Presley’s death by saying that he died of “complications with prescription medications,” or some shit like that. It’s the way Lou Guzzo would have described it if it were a member of his family that had the drug problem.
I know I was rough on him and all other rockers, but I’m not sorry for it.
I don’t think he was taking the drugs because of you, Lou.
If you were one of those young people who idolized Presley and all the other members of the Rock clan, I know you’re not going to like what I am about to say, but I’m compelled to say it.
Yeah, all you youngsters in your 60s! Shape up!
Way back in the 1950s, when I was the Seattle Times’ music critic, a shrewd promoter named Colonel Parker signed up a kid named Elvis Presley.
The decline of western civilization began.
And the chaotic Age of Rock was born, unfortunately.
Unfortunate for the Seattle Times mostly, as their music critic had no interest in the music that everyone was listening to.
In the beginning, Presley was shy and personable. But quick, immense wealth, then drugs cut him down before his time.
It’s been a while since I’ve heard anyone throw out the whole “Elvis is still alive” theory, so I thought I’d Google it. Here’s a page.
The Age of Rock was created by sensational hype and hotshot promoters and recording salesmen — and, worst of all, the advent of the super sound amplifier that made the walls of a theater rattle and threaten to buckle.
We need to make sure that the internet has its own Historical Preservation Society so that posts like this one are preserved for future generations. Who else on the internet is writing stuff like this?
It didn’t really matter what was being played and sung.
I’m not so sure.
If it was loud enough, it was good enough for all those kids who yelled and applauded and really couldn’t hear any music through all the din from Presley and his cohorts on stage. What music?
And what was that strange-smelling smoke all around me?
I never heard anything I could call real music. It was just a continuing onslaught of loud noise.
And he got his pocket picked.
Years of the Rock clatter served to fracture the normal hearing of all those young people who suffered through the incredible noise.
Hey, that’s my parents you’re talking about!
As a result, I wouldn’t be surprised if the youngsters of the Presley era and others like him had kids of their own who would be born without ears — or without hearing.
Ummmm, I’m pretty sure we’d know that by now.
When Presley and his ilk came along, I think we lost something extremely valuable, something we may never find again.
A country without Elvis impersonators.
Just before Presley and the Age of Rock came along, we were experiencing a marvelous resurgence of American folk music.
I don’t doubt it.
Remember the profound, memorable songs of Burl Ives, the Kingston Trio, Bob Dylan, the Limeliters, Peter, Paul, and Mary, and the Weavers?
No, but I remember Cyndi Lauper, Culture Club, Poison, and Corey Hart. I think the 80s might have been a low point in our musical past, but that wasn’t too apparent in elementary school.
That inspired period of a new surge of American folk music was abruptly cut short by the wild, ear-splitting hard rock of Presley and the rest of the rockers, who copied his miserable style.
All because of Socialism.
Why the young generations of the day went wacky over Presley’s gyrations and so-called music I’ll never know.
Yet he continued to be a music critic – as if no one else knew either.
My job as a music critic forced me to cover and review his so-called “concerts.” They weren’t really concerts.
Presley’s handlers just put him in the coat room and told him it was the press area.
They were sex sessions as Presley continued to roll his hips and slap his guitar in a manner that seemed to me that he was simulating the sex act as he rapped the instrument as if it were a phallic symbol.
Actually, I think that would mean that he was simulating the masturbation act.
The radio disk jockeys and the news media rock reviewers were very much to blame for their praise of Presley and other rockers.
Yeah! It was their fault that people liked his music.
If they had told the truth about the rockers and their cacophony that passed for music but was really a blast of incessant sound, the Age of Rock would never have survived — and what should have been the new era of American folk music would have proceeded.
Rock ‘N Roll…the greatest conspiracy of the 20th Century.
The history of music has shown that new ideas and great creative works are preceded about every 50 years or so by a wave of folk music that reflects the sounds and idioms of the new times.
Every form of music is a reflection of the times. Not just the music you like, Lou.
Similarly, gifted composers absorb the new folk music and incorporate it in their new works. Hence, the damage done by Presley and his gang of noisemakers.
And get off his lawn.